Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
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“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.