Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!