After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
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Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.