I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!