Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
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Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.