Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
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a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
how much for the angry fruit?
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.