4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
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Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”