Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
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FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.