Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
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Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
rise and shine we got egg
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends