For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
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7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.