Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
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Taliband
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.