Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
You Might Also Like
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same