I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
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FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
my favorite genre of twitter
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Yes, this is exactly right
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.