that de-escalated quickly
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INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?