Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
You Might Also Like
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
the red hot silly peppers
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?