[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
You Might Also Like
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Lube but for my dry humor.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
🤯🤯🤯
this post was so formative to me
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that