If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
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You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.