Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
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Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
The news is so predictable nowadays
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
What number SPF blocks people?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later