me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
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Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.