Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up