Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
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My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.