I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
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Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Bill is short for Billiam
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
This is my favorite one of these!
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.