Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
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[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.