After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
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Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
That de-escalated quickly
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Yes, this is exactly right
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.