My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
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How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.