Simple enough.
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Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions