We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
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A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*