[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
You Might Also Like
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Bruh PLEASE
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.