This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
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Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.