When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
You Might Also Like
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.