my mom making me talk to relatives
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Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense