I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
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therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Cashiers are always checking me out
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
mom gave me mine for free
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.