Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
You Might Also Like
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
He wanted to make sure😂
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
How do dragons blow out candles?
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke