If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
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Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Meanwhile in Portland…
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me