Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
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*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key