My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
brian had himself a morning…
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.