Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
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My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
started wrapping my pills in cheese
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.