Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
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[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.