me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
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[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.