I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
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Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
When your man makes a valid point
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
IT’S-A ME,
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park