[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
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The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”