Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
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If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
that lip filler tho
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!