I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
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Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
It’s an epidemic…
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies