7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
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5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
i prefer mine room temperature.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
this is the best interaction on twitter
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous