Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
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My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Why I divorced her.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
*updates tinder bio*
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.