Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
You Might Also Like
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Jesus Christ lmao
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I am a gravy boat captain
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me