ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
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“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Truth
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU