Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
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Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
had to make it
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’