You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
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I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
How does one answer this?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Strangers have the best candy.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO