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Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.